01. Relationship Anxiety, How Therapy Can Help
In the midst of so much uncertainty, it has become increasingly important to know what’s next. Our need for certainty has boosted the use and reliance on predictive technologies and spirituality, leading many of us to look to AI and the stars to tell us what to do. We also seek this reassurance in our relationships.
The causes of relationship distress are varied, but one of the more common factors I see is the tall orders we place with our partners, lovers and friends. Off-loading care of the house and heart to others builds swells of expectation, resentment and co-dependent dynamics that hardly ever get talked about it. The quiet hope seems to be that we’ll miraculously feel our way through the fray without breaking anything or getting hurt, and most importantly, not losing our person in the process.
The hard truth—our relationships will end. At some point, our relationships will reach a point of transition, whether it be by way of diverging interests, death, moving through phases of life, health challenges, or some other unprecedented event. Our relationships as we now know them will change, and only time will show us when and whether those changes will be felt simply as hurt or bittersweet growth. Despite our awareness that relationships end, we work really hard to shield ourselves from the discomfort of that inevitability. The distance between our hopeful outcome for our relationships and our effort to control it is where relationship anxiety lives.
Anxiety and anxiety disorders are marked by feelings of fear or worry related to a real or perceived imminent event or the unknown. Depending on its severity, it can cause symptoms that range from worrisome thoughts and avoidance to insomnia and panic attacks. Anxiety related to relational distress, or relationship anxiety as I am applying it here, can carry the same impact. Concerns about the stability of a relationship, your effectiveness as a partner, lover or friend or discordant desires in relationships can spur a sense of worry and angst that can keep you up at night.
The reasons behind our relationship anxiety are varied, but as mentioned above a common feature is an effort to control factors that are outside our powers to will. Some examples of this are other people’s behavior or thoughts, environmental circumstances, and financial constraints. Focus on limitations leads to a feeling of stuckness and, without awareness, can lead toward maladaptive or manipulative behaviors. Conversely, what we do have control over is ourselves. Our actions, our thoughts, our behavior—that is where our power lies.
When relational anxiety is high, many report feeling out of control and fueled by cognitive distortions that convince them everything is falling apart. Therapy can help you begin to examine negative biases and enact strategies for coping and grounding. Coping and grounding help to lower the volume of worrisome thoughts that would otherwise lead us to act in ways the more regulated version of ourselves would cringe at. Untangling negative narratives about yourself, your relationship and replacing them with more honest, varied and compassionate ones is the work you and your therapist do.
Between sessions, is where you take what you’ve learned into your real world, which is what amplifies the change process. My first recommendation is to collect your thoughts and try to marry new perspectives gained in therapy with your feelings and needs. For example, you may feel de-valued by your partner due to a growing trend of them opting to work rather than spend time with you, but you consider the perspective you and your therapist came to that there are certain financial goals that may also be important to them. From this you may attribute more generous assumptions about your partner’s intentions (and yourself).
Communication is also important. The conversations you’re avoiding may end up being easier than you think—and not having them is only ramping up the anxiety and distress. Moving from rumination to collaboration can lighten the burden of whatever resentment you’re carrying. More importantly, unless you’re clairvoyant, you will not know what the other person is thinking or feeling for certain, so letting others into your private thoughts is key to being understood and understanding others.
While relationship anxiety is hard, it is not impossible to move through. Challenging your narrative, building skills to self-regulate and communicating with your people are a few ways to approach and lessen relational pains, and get back to the sweet spot you desire.
